My two-and-a-half-year-old son sometimes refuses to do exactly what I want. He runs around without putting on his pants and tips over his cup of water instead of drinking from it. “He was so cooperative just a moment ago…” In those instances, a small sense of irritation—a feeling of reproach—would well up inside me.
One of the “guidelines for the Purification of the heart” taught in the Shinkiko retreat seminar concerns this concept of “finding fault” (togame). Finding fault means mentally judging the words or actions of others—or oneself—as “wrong” or “unacceptable.” Such fault-finding strongly attracts negative Ki (energy); far from helping to change the other person, it actually inflicts damage upon oneself.
At the root of this lies an unfounded expectation: the belief that others ought to act exactly as we wish. This is a crucial point. Much of the unhappiness we experience in relationships stems not from the other person, but from our own assumptions. Perhaps a husband of many years immediately forgets something he was asked to do, or a daughter-in-law raises her children in a way that defies conventional wisdom. When we find ourselves thinking, “Why won’t they do it the way I want?” in situations like these, we unconsciously harbor a sense of blame—and in doing so, we attract negative energy.
Even if it is difficult to completely eliminate such expectations, you can shift where you direct them. The “looking for the good” approach taught in our training courses offers precisely this perspective. Instead of getting frustrated by what the other person cannot do, you focus on—and rely upon—the positive qualities they do possess. A husband who is forgetful might still always quietly handle the heavy lifting you ask of him. A daughter-in-law whose common sense differs from yours might still love her children more deeply than anyone else. Letting go of expectations regarding their shortcomings and focusing solely on their strengths is not about trying to change the other person; it is about changing where you choose to look.
Another crucial point is the vicious cycle created by a fault-finding attitude and negative energy. Not only does this tendency to find fault attract negative energy, but one is also more prone to such feelings precisely when already under the influence of that negativity. You lose your composure, become irritated by things you would normally overlook, and that very tendency to find fault invites even more negative energy—this is the true nature of the vicious cycle.
The important thing is not to further reproach yourself when feelings of blame or fault-finding arise within you. It is precisely at such moments that I encourage you to receive Shinkiko. As your energy (Ki) is replenished, a sense of composure returns to your mind; as your energy shifts, you naturally become less prone to such critical thoughts. Noticing the small irritations you feel toward family, friends, and those around you, and then incorporating Shinkiko—I believe that this ongoing practice is a step toward purifying the heart. I, too, keep this lesson close to heart as I continue to grow and develop each day.